iNtimAte p0Rtrait…

Yesterday I just realize how fast time is, one time I was working on New year’s eve and now its freaking July. Its the middle of the year and I have absofreakinlutely maxed myself out for the past 6 months. I’ve been thinking about 2007 being
my "make or break" year. It felt like I was already hitting quarter life. Geez, life has never been more challenging not forgetting the need to make majorly BIG decisions that quite possibly will change my life forever.

I’ve somehow been at my lowest again this past week. But I have been through hell and back a couple of times already and thankfully I was able to regain myself and I am becoming more stronger by the day. It felt like walls are coming up on all slides of me again…literally and figuratively. But heck! forget the literal part, the figurative part again is the most painful part yet. Sometimes I find myself drifting off again, even in the middle of my day at work, sepcially in the afternoon when I wake up and realize how alone I am at home. Then I realize. there are worries that keep creeping up on me, concerns that are eating me up inside. I usually go walking in the mall for hours on my own these days, its just the perfet opportunity to be alone and simply assess the days that have passed. But then somehow in between "laps" inside the mall my mind drifts off from what was on my agenda to "think about" and shift my focus to what’s in front of me. A BIG SALE sign, new stocks of clothes in BAYO, new movie coming up the next week or a group of friends laughing at each other,families that took the day off to be with each other. It’s fascinating to see how other people share the little they have. In the bigger scheme of things, it seems my concerns are quite insignificant when compared to theirs. i’m just so fortunate to have this life and not other’s. But in my own world, my concerns are monumental. In fact they can really consume me. I seem to be missing out on something, i just can’t pinpoint exactly what it is and where it came from. It started with a little odd incident and even when I thought something might be off there, i decided to ignore it. But something else has come up and now it seems a tad too obvious to dismiss. there is definitely something there. it’s been bugging me for some time now but don’t know how to proceed but the indifference is killing me. slowly. People who know me know that I am the type who just goes direct to the person and ASK or just be HONEST and tell them. See what they say. That’s just the way I am. Unfortunately this episode is not one where I can just go and ask, lest i lose more than I already have.

I know I’ll be back somehow…in time…it aint easy but I’ll get by. Besides WE (GOD and I) have been talking alot this days. I know this is somehow his way of telling me that he was there all along anyway, that he never left me even if I haven’t been good. And I know this is what HE wants, because this is what’s best for me.

Looking around has just made me realize that there’s so much of this world that I haven’t seen yet. And that there are a lot of small things that I tend to over see because I was too busy being BUSY. I tend to worry alot that I usually don’t take the time to just enjoy what I have infront of me like laughing with friends, watching TV with my family, palying with my dogs and just seeing kids play around. Things that I use to enjoy. Besides it is in these moments that we are most REAL, most free, and ready to nurture what makes us feel all tingly inside.

I’ve sure had my share of moments like graduating with honors, being accelerated or being hired for a job that I wanted. Things that I can be proud of. But then again after the moments in the spotlight, you always want back in the mundane. the song says "time falls away but these small hours still remain."

I love that song. The "small hours". I love watching the sunset, I love walking in the rain, I love surprises, I love the sound of children laughing and giggling, I love cuddling love fleeting moments that are so rare, you wish they would never flutter away. it is because they are so brief that they are so, so special.

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don’t you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don’t mind
If it’s me you need to turn to
We’ll get by,
It’s the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain

WTF! I know…I know…jologs kung jologs. This is soooo not rockstar of me. haha but heck i Looooooove the song! hehe LSS to the nth power pare…

Sa yo ako’y walang ligtas
Di makawala sa isip ko
Sa yo baliw ang utak ko
Buong sistema ko
Sa yo

Pinipilit kong magpakasaya
Pinipilit kong patawanin ka
Pinipilit kong magpakaiba

Watching the days burning out like a cigarette,
Just a few drags to go.
You built me up
And you broke me down,
Somehow.

Everything just seemed so clear to me
Nothing left to know.
I’ll love you right and I’ll love you pure,
Right now.

How can you say,
That it’s too late
To save us now

And I would wait for you, ooh
If you would wait for me, yeah.
I will wait for you, ooh
if you will wait for me, yeah.

Intoxicated the edge is serrated,
So easily torn from the core.
I blushed the first time,
But you blushed the last time
My eyes hit your mind
Regenerated these feelings of hatred,
I long for your love evermore
You built me up and you broke me down
This time.

And I would wait for you, ooh
If you would wait for me, yeah.
I will wait for you, ooh
if you will wait for me, yeah.

How can you say,
That its too late
To save us now?
(How can you say)

Miles and Miles of cold and lonely road
And now I’m standin here alone
And all the truth that I’ve been told
Begins to perfectly unfold

Was it wasted of time
And was it all for nothing
And can I face the pain of being alone

For the first time in my life
I open up my eyes
I feel like I could fly away
Till I reach the other side
Sometimes we must decide
That everything that was meant to be will be
And I don’t even have to try

It was as simple as a song
It was inside of me all along
If its the truth that makes me wrong
Then I would rather be alone

You said I crossed a line
You said I pulled you under
I finally realized I can be strong

For the first time in my life
I open up my eyes
I feel like I could fly away
Till I reach the other side
Sometimes we must decide
That everything that was meant to be will be
And I don’t even have to try

I open up my eyes
I feel like I could fly away
Till I reach the other side
Sometimes we must decide
That everything that was meant to be will be
And I don’t even have to try

And I don’t even have to try
And I don’t even have to try
And I don’t even have to try

I’m staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I’m going to the place where love
And feeling good don’t ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel’s a different kind of pain.

Well I’m going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I’m not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don’t regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I’m going home.
Well I’m going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I’ve not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, it makes true.
And I don’t know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I’m going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I’m not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don’t regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,

Be careful what you wish for,
‘Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don’t want.
Be careful what you wish for,
‘Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I’m going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I’m not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don’t regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,
So I’m going home.
I’m going home.

Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
Your probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself instead of calamity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It’s personal, Myself and I
We’ve got some straightenin’ out to do
And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry

The path that I’m walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps until I’m full grown, full grown
Fairy tales don’t always have a happy ending, do they
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to with you
It’s personal, Myself and I
We’ve got some straightenin’ out to do
[Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don’t cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We’ll play jacks and uno cards
Ill be your best friend and you’ll be mine
Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
Cause I want to hold yours too
Well be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But its time for me to go home
Its getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself instead of calamity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It’s personal, Myself and I
We’ve got some straightenin’ out to do
And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry

I’m missing your bed,
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots
where we’d have to speak
And this bottle of
beast is taking me home.
I’m cuddling close
to blankets and sheets
You’re not alone
and you’re not discreet.
You make sure I know,
who’s taking you home.
I’m reading your
note over again.
There is not a word
that I comprehend,
except when you signed it
"I will love you always
and forever"
As for now I’m gonna
hear the saddest songs,
and sit alone and wonder
how you’re making out
But as for me I wish that I was anywhere
With anyone
making out
I’m missing your laugh,
how did it break?
And when did your eyes
begin to look fake?
I hope you’re as happy
as your pretending.
I’m missing your bed,
I never sleep.
Avoiding the spots
where we’d have to sleep.
And this bottle of
Beast is taking me home.
Your hair
It’s everywhere
Screaming infidelities
Taking it’s wear

The sky glows
I see it shining when my eyes close
I hear your warnings but we both know
I’m gonna look at it again

Don’t wait, Don’t wait
The road is now a sudden sea
And suddenly, you’re deep enough
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down

You get one look
I’ll show you something that the knife took.
A bit to early for my own good
Now let’s not speak of it again

Don’t wait, Don’t wait
The road is now a sudden sea
And suddenly, you’re deep enough
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down

Don’t wait, Don’t wait
The lights will flash and fade away
The days will pass you by
Don’t wait
To lay your armor down

If you, if you could return
Don’t let it burn, don’t let it fade
I’m sure I’m not being rude
But it’s just your attitude
It’s tearing me apart
It’s ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn’t be so confused
And I wouldn’t feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger